School Psychologist (Ida Steyn)

POSITIVE PARENTING TEENAGERS

As a parent, you want to do the best for your child, but how do you know what’s right? What do you do when your teenager constantly answers back or starts staying out late? How do you prepare your Senior for Schoolies Week? What if your child is being bullied?

I will share some of Triple P’s proven tips for the best ways to handle common teenage problems. From battling disobedience to encouraging homework routines and covering everyday issues to help you work out some strategies to suit your family.

I’ll highlight common “parent traps” and hopefully make the very important job of raising kids as enjoyable and rewarding as possible.

But remember, parenting is sometimes hard work, and it may take time to tackle more difficult problems. The good news is that help is always at hand.

RAISING RESPONSIBLE TEENS — PART 1

Time and time again, I am approached by exasperated parents who say their teenager seems to have turned into a different person almost overnight.

As children become teenagers, they usually want more independence from their parents. But at the same time, parents often expect more responsibility from their teenagers. This is a normal part of growing up, but there can be problems if these changes in demands and expectations are not well managed.

It’s important to link independence and responsibility as difficulties can arise if one gets out of step with the other.

For example, parents who allow their teenager extra independence without requiring increased responsibility may find them becoming unhelpful, inconsiderate, and ill-mannered. Some parents discover that a previously well-behaved child turns into a badly behaved or rude teenager.

On the other hand, if parents demand increased responsibility from their teenager without encouraging independence, their teenager may become resentful and angry, and socially isolated.

In a nutshell there are six key ingredients for teenagers becoming mature young adults who are valued and healthy family members:

1. taking part in family decision making
2. being respectful and considerate
3. being involved in family activities
4. developing a healthy lifestyle
5. being reliable
6. being assertive.

RAISING RESPONSIBLE TEENS — PART 2

Taking part in family decision-making

Teenagers need to learn how to make good decisions, and by involving them in family decision making they can learn the skills they need to make good decisions. Family decisions can range from what meal to cook to more serious issues such as deciding to move house.

For more important issues, arranging a family meeting may be useful.

• Explain the issue that is to be discussed.
• Ask everyone for ideas, especially your teenager.
• Listen for any positive comments and acknowledge them. Your teenager may not say much at first so really look for anything you can be positive about.
• Avoid criticising suggestions that seem simple, complicated, or silly, as this may discourage your teenager from offering ideas.
• Ignore any minor negative behaviour if you can and continue your discussion as if it had not happened.

Being involved in family activities

Taking part in family activities provides opportunities for sharing and talking together. Teenagers can also learn some useful skills for when they leave home and have to manage on their own.

Set aside time to do things that your teenager enjoys and plan the activity together. Planning in advance will help to ensure that you have everything you need and help to avoid the activity occurring at the same time as something your teenager enjoys such as a favourite TV show or social event with friends.

RAISING RESPONSIBLE TEENS — PART 3

Here are some tips to help you cope with, and enjoy, your child’s teenage years. These are the third and fourth key elements raising responsible teens.

Being respectful and considerate

If teenagers learn to be considerate with members of their family, they are more likely to develop good relationships with other people. To encourage your teenager to be respectful and considerate parents the following hints can help:

• Be respectful with your teenager.
• Praise your teenager when they are polite.
• Remind your teenager to be polite in a calm but firm voice, perhaps giving an example of preferred behaviour.
• Help your teenager to follow reasonable requests.
• Agree on a few family rules and involve your teenager in setting the family rules. When you see your teenager following the rule, let them know how much you appreciate it. If they are not following the rule, stop your teenager and get their attention. Ask them to tell you what the rule is and what they should be doing instead. Then ask them to follow the rule. Once they are following the rule, tell them you appreciate their effort.

Developing a healthy lifestyle

Habits formed when we’re children and teenagers often stay with us as adults, and these can affect our personal relationships and health.

• Decide what you expect of your teen. This might relate to diet, exercise, showering, washing clothes or keeping their room clean.
• Once you’ve decided, model these behaviours yourself. Your teen is more likely to eat well, exercise etc if they see you and other family members doing these things.

RAISING RESPONSIBLE TEENS — PART 4

Being reliable

Your teen is more likely to be reliable if you’re reliable yourself.

• Show interest in your teen’s activities during everyday conversation, not only when they’re going out or coming home.
• Encourage your teen to make a commitment. For example: “I’ll be home between 4:00 and 4:30” rather than: “I’ll be home later”.
• Check whether they keep the commitment. If they do, praise them, and let them know you appreciate that they’ve done what they said.
• If they don’t meet the commitment, ask them to tell you what the commitment was, and what prevented them meeting it. Discuss what they might have done differently and what they’ll do next time but avoid lecturing.

Being assertive

Being assertive means not being pushed around and not pushing others around verbally or physically. Assertive people are confident in their views, wishes and needs, and can express them calmly and firmly. They can discuss differing views and opinions without creating conflict and hostility.

• Encourage your teen to state their wishes clearly and calmly without being too timid or aggressive.
• Show them how to ask clearly and calmly when they want something. Also show them how to say “no” by encouraging them to explain clearly and calmly why they don’t want something.
• If you see your teen being too aggressive, or too timid practise being assertive with them in the same situation. Discuss what they might do or say, and then practise together. Afterwards, ask them what they’ll do next time a similar situation happens. Get them to make a commitment to try the way you just practised and praise them for this.
• Don’t forget to praise your teen when you see them being assertive.